My wife and I were having lunch together today and she offered me some of her fries. I wasn’t really in the mood for fries so I told her I was going to make like John Elway and pass. After laughing heartily for the next five minutes I decided jokes like that are better if you actually know the person.

To wit:

If I were in a Wild West showdown, I’d make like Zach Johnson and draw.

If I were playing soccer against D. M. Welsh, I’d make like Andrew X and steal his kicks.

If I had to exact revenge against a family of rabbits, I’d make like Bethany Johnson and cut some hares.

If I were planning a Jewish luau, I’d make like Kyle Kirby and give up pork.

If I were to make a lot of money through insider trading, I’d make like Caleb Slade and move it to Switzerland.

If I were surrounded by a bunch of sexy ladies, I’d make like Chris Kuehl and take my pic.

And finally.

If I were auditioning to be an underwear model, I’d make like Cain, and show pecs.