America has been waging a war on terror for going on nine years. In that time we have sacrificed our own blood and treasure and the lives of more civilians than we’ll ever know. We are no safer now, than we were nine years ago.

Worst of all, every two years or so, Americans are forced to learn the location of another Middle Eastern country. Gone are the halcyon days of the 90’s when all we had to know was the location of Iraq, or at least its general shape.

In the past nine years we’ve had to learn about Afghanistan, Iran, and Pakistan. Just recently, thanks to some Nigerian with an explode-able underwear fetish, we now know about Yemen.

The only reason Americans should know about Yemen is that’s where Chandler Bing pretended to move, but then actually ended up having to fly to, in order to break-up with Janice.* I fully expect them to make us learn about Nigeria too. And that’s not even in the Middle East as far as I know.

America is in a recession, we can no longer afford a multi-billion dollar geography lesson.

My proposal is this. The total destruction of the Middle East, and all who live there, via a nuclear holocaust of biblical proportions. The most immediate benefit of this proposal would be the end of the war on terror, and a lasting peace between all remaining nations.

But the benefits are not limited to peace. There would also be great economic opportunities. For instance, we would have free and open access to the wealth of oil in the Middle East, without having to come up with some pretense involving national security in order to exploit it.

There would also be an opportunity to widen the Suez Canal, one of the world’s most important shipping lanes, all the way to India. Think of the jobs a project like this would create. Think of the shipping that could be accomplished. We would be able to ship Australia to Turkey if we wanted to.

I know what you’re thinking, wouldn’t increased shipping through the Suez Canal be like an all you can eat buffet for Somali pirates? The answer is, not at all. I imagine, depending on the trade winds, that most Somali pirates would be long dead of radiation poisoning before we even broke ground.

This proposal also has benefits that pacifists and liberals can get behind. The amount of nuclear weapons used on the Middle East would go a long way towards reducing the world’s stock pile of nuclear weapons.

There are also environmental benefits. Think of the reduction in greenhouse gas emissions that could be accomplished by the instant elimination of the carbon footprints of hundreds of millions of people.

Now, there is one potentially controversial issue in destroying the Middle East. What should be done with Jerusalem and Mecca? After some research, I discovered that there are actually a lot of Jews and Muslims in countries located outside the Middle East. I imagine they wouldn’t be too happy with the disintegration of their most holy sites.

So I propose that before we send the nukes, we relocate Jerusalem to Disney World and Mecca to Disneyland. Not only would we preserve two of the most historically significant sites in the world, but California and Florida, the two states hit hardest by the burst of the housing bubble, would see a much needed revenue increase. Not to mention the merchandizing. Who wouldn’t want a plush Mickey Mouse wearing a yarmulke? Or Minnie Mouse in a burka? I think a Donald Duck with a beard, holding a tiny Koran, would be adorable. Also, since there would be no one left to suicide bomb It’s a Small World, Disney could develop a television show about Mohammed. When he puts on his black turban, he’s Abdullah Fallujah, the famous pop singer.

Has it really come to this? Is there any other way to win the war on terror?

Sure.

Perhaps we Americans and our government will stop and take a good long look at history and discover that maybe we’ve been a little overzealous with the Middle East. Maybe, just because we have the ability to use our superpowers to secure our interests, often at the expense of others, we shouldn’t. Maybe, instead of trying to bend those people to our will, we should try to make up for our disregard of their interests with economic aide and infrastructure building.

Maybe.

But in the end, wouldn’t admitting that be the real tragedy?

* - scene it Andrew?

For those of you who are not Andrew here’s a limerick I made up for your trouble. There once was a man from Vancouver. He went door to door selling Hoovers. Then he slept with my wife. So I chased him with a Knife. Goddamn that son of a bitch could maneuver.