There seems to be a palpable hatred of illegal immigrants in this country, or at least there seemed to be after I read about Lou Dobbs on Wikipedia. And ever since I’ve been trying to figure out why. All through elementary school I learned about America’s proud immigrant tradition, huddled masses yearning to breathe free and all that.  What’s so different about the turn of that century from this one? At about three this morning I think I finally figured it out. Back then America was able to, you know, vent its collective frustration and anger at immigrants by totally fucking up their names as they came through Ellis Island.

Ellis Island Clerk: Next! Ok, what do we got here. Giuseppe Bomba — uh — Bombadacci. Holy shit, you’re not going to get very far with that. Let’s see, now you’re John, um, John Licebeard. Welcome to America. Next! Ok, Karol Dmytryszyn. Jesus Christ, don’t they have vowels where you come from? And by the way Karol’s a girl’s name. Now you’re Kent Sunkencheeks, welcome to America. Next!