January 2010
12 posts
The next voice to speak up was not the Lieutenant’s but mine. My mouth was dry, and my groin felt damp. I said I didn’t give a good God damn what Mrs. Fedder had to say on the subject of Seymour. Or, for that matter, what any professional dilettante or amateur bitch had to say. I said that from the time Seymour was ten years old, every summa-cum-laude Thinker and intellectual...
Insider Punning
My wife and I were having lunch together today and she offered me some of her fries. I wasn’t really in the mood for fries so I told her I was going to make like John Elway and pass. After laughing heartily for the next five minutes I decided jokes like that are better if you actually know the person.
To wit:
If I were in a Wild West showdown, I’d make like Zach Johnson and draw.
If I were...
A Series of Unfortunate Thoughts: Part One, of...
I was sitting in my apartment, starring off into space, and something struck me. That got me thinking.
What decade is this?
It’s not the aughts or the aughties or what the fuck ever “VH1” and “E!” came up with when they realized it was time to make a whole lot of retrospective shows about the last ten years.
We’re not in the teens, even though the teens will technically occur in this decade,...
A Modest Proposal for Ending the War on Terror and...
America has been waging a war on terror for going on nine years. In that time we have sacrificed our own blood and treasure and the lives of more civilians than we’ll ever know. We are no safer now, than we were nine years ago.
Worst of all, every two years or so, Americans are forced to learn the location of another Middle Eastern country. Gone are the halcyon days of the 90’s when all we had to...
Sweet Clementines
This morning I was filled with a profound sense of personal amusement when I discovered that I can do a pretty decent Neil Diamond impression. Later, I was filled with a slightly less profound sense of personal disappointment when I discovered I can only do my Neil Diamond impression to the tune of Sweet Caroline. However, I persevered and spent the better part of the morning telling my wife,...
Hey McFly, make unlike a tree, and stop being such...
I love Back to the Future. It’s easily in my top ten. Depending on when I watched it last, it may even sneak into the top five. However, there is one scene that I’ve always had a problem with. George McFly has just knocked out Biff with one punch. Lorraine and he are sharing a dance. He’s shy and unsure, and she’s practically begging for a piece. Then, out of nowhere, some lanky...