May 2011
4 posts
How I imagined asking out my co-worker:
Me: Hello, Grace. Oh, enough of the pretense, I can’t take it anymore. You must know that I want you. You must be able to see it written all over my face every time we pass each other in the office, every time we make small talk about movies in the break-room. Come out with me tonight. I’ll show you the time of your life and win you forever.
Grace: Oh, I...
I picked up Travels WIth Charley at one of the used books stores on South Broadway a few weeks ago. It was really great and I’m more motivated than ever to take a cross country road trip with a poodle. But this particular edition led to an observation that I spent some minutes investigating. I confirmed my hypothesis to my own satisfaction, but in the interest of scientific veracity, I should...
Charlie Trask: Hiding In The Sprawl →
charlie-trask:
I think people are a little too hard on the suburbs. While the city wears its problems on its streets—the pain and the tragedy there for all to see and feel guilty about ignoring—the suburbs have the courtesy to shroud its problems behind an idyllic veneer. Consider suburban Jim, who despite…
charlie-trask:
I’m going to start calling that feeling of wanting what I can’t have a yearning disability.
March 2011
1 post
February 2011
3 posts
If I lived in the 40’s, I’d want to date a girl named Daylight, so I could say to people, “This is my broad, Daylight.” Happy Valentine’s Day.
Literally Leviticus: Episode 18:22
God: Hey Frank, what are you up to today?
Frank: Oh hey God, not too much, running errands, a bit of yard work, then I’ll probably have sex with my husband.
God: Now hang on a second Frank. You’re not going to have sex with your husband the same way you’d have sex with a women are you? Because you know I how I feel about that.
Frank: Well, but I wouldn’t have sex with a woman.
God: Sure,...
January 2011
9 posts
Hell it's my land
There seems to be a palpable hatred of illegal immigrants in this country, or at least there seemed to be after I read about Lou Dobbs on Wikipedia. And ever since I’ve been trying to figure out why. All through elementary school I learned about America’s proud immigrant tradition, huddled masses yearning to breathe free and all that. What’s so different about the turn of that century from this...
So, think I could post it on tumblr?
You know a lot of people think Abe Lincoln was gay. I don’t. I’m pretty sure if he was gay, he would have taken that shot in the face.
Funology
I once strangled a bear to death with my bare hands, because I’m a big homophone.
Marx Madness
“Language, like consciousness, only arises from the need, the necessity, of intercourse with others.” -Karl Marx-
Hey baby, you got some fries to go with that ass?
Twitter Audition
A friend of mine once asked me if I wanted to watch “Schindler’s List,” and I said, “Schindler?! I hardly even know her.”
Pimping My Lexis
I just started a new semester at school and my synapses are already firing in excitement about the new things I’m learning. The best thing I’ve learned so far, school only being in session for a week, is the word dysphemism. A dysphemism is roughly the opposite of a euphemism: where euphemisms are used to describe subjects which may be considered taboo in ways that remove us from their literal...
I have a great idea for an Inception parody called Conception: ”No, dammit, we have to go deeper!”
November 2010
1 post
NLSPS: Needlessly Long Set-up for a Pun Saturday
What do you call it when you excuse yourself from a fine meal of steak and green beans to go outside and smoke a cigarette — in the chill autumn air — and out of the corner of your eye you see a particularly derelict-looking homeless man; you try not to make eye contact, but you have a bit of a staring problem, so the homeless man sees that you’re looking at him and approaches you; he...
June 2010
1 post
I once read a biography of Abraham Lincoln, this is what I have to show for it.
Yo it’s Abe Lincoln on the microphone,
A Kentucky log cabin’s where I called my home,
Livin’ the simple life like my man Tom Sawyer,
One day I said, fuck that, I should be a lawyer,
Moved it to Springfield, I was their biggest resident,
Soon enough they came and asked if I would be the president,
Got to the White House...
April 2010
13 posts
“Hey; orchestra, you’re playing like a bunch of bum bum bum buuuuuumms.”
— Beethoven’s Fifth Simile
Communication Preservation
With the advent of social networking, people have begun communicating their hopes, dreams and day to day minutiae to anyone with an internet connection. While this allows ones life story to be broadband-cast to potentially millions of people, certain types of communication are being left by the way side. Specifically, non verbal communication: Even more specifically, the jerk off motion. If a...
How do you make a pessimistic photographer optimistic?
Take his negatives.
What do Lakota (Sioux) children play with?
Tatanka Trucks.
I made Indian food for my wife last night, in an attempt to curry her favor.
What do you call a person who reverses their sex change operation?
A Trans, former.
I was once abducted by Canadians. They wanted me to take them to my liter.
An evangelical Christian once tried to convert me. I told him I wasn’t interested in being bored again.
Beard but True
I only pun in my spare time. For cable, I sell kids shoes. Forty hours a week I tend to the footwear needs of the precocious offspring of affluent Cherry Creek parents. I say precocious because “goddamn little bastards” seems an altogether too harsh label to apply to four year olds: appropriate though it may be. Apart from an inexpensive, though time consuming, form of birth control; my job does...
If a Jewish woman wants to be better in bed; does she do bagel exercises?
Easter?
I hardly even know her.
I must have eaten too many gyros last night because this morning I falafel.
I think going to the Gynecologist would be uncomfortable. But I shouldn’t speculum.
March 2010
2 posts
I would like to start a business where people ask me questions. If my answer is satisfactory, they pay me a dollar.
I would call it: Buck if I Know.
February 2010
4 posts
The Poseidon Misadventure
Today I was standing on the sidewalk by a moderately busy street; texting. In the middle of manually correcting a word that had been auto-uncorrected by my phone, I was hit by a rouge wave of freezing cold, muddy water: Chucks of ice and snow.
My first thought wasn’t, fuck, now I’m muddy, wet and cold.
My first thought was, fuck, people actually get hit by walls of water while standing next to a...
Vitamin K
I read a lot; at least, I have a lot of books. I have read some of them. Hell, I’ve read most of them. As far as I’m concerned, this qualifies me to make suggestions to people about books they should read.
Let me be clear. This is merely a suggestion. Not a review. It’s been too long since I took an English class to discuss this book in the vernacular it deserves. At the moment all I really...
You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? It's...
For those who would argue that the Star Wars prequels had no significant effect on the pop cultural degradation of our youth. I ask you to consider the following.
As many of you know I make my wages selling shoes to children. Often in this profession a situation arises in which a parent wants to purchase a particular pair of shoes, but the child wants to purchase a different pair. Now;...
January 2010
12 posts
The next voice to speak up was not the Lieutenant’s but mine. My mouth was dry, and my groin felt damp. I said I didn’t give a good God damn what Mrs. Fedder had to say on the subject of Seymour. Or, for that matter, what any professional dilettante or amateur bitch had to say. I said that from the time Seymour was ten years old, every summa-cum-laude Thinker and intellectual...
Insider Punning
My wife and I were having lunch together today and she offered me some of her fries. I wasn’t really in the mood for fries so I told her I was going to make like John Elway and pass. After laughing heartily for the next five minutes I decided jokes like that are better if you actually know the person.
To wit:
If I were in a Wild West showdown, I’d make like Zach Johnson and draw.
If I were...
A Series of Unfortunate Thoughts: Part One, of...
I was sitting in my apartment, starring off into space, and something struck me. That got me thinking.
What decade is this?
It’s not the aughts or the aughties or what the fuck ever “VH1” and “E!” came up with when they realized it was time to make a whole lot of retrospective shows about the last ten years.
We’re not in the teens, even though the teens will technically occur in this decade,...
A Modest Proposal for Ending the War on Terror and...
America has been waging a war on terror for going on nine years. In that time we have sacrificed our own blood and treasure and the lives of more civilians than we’ll ever know. We are no safer now, than we were nine years ago.
Worst of all, every two years or so, Americans are forced to learn the location of another Middle Eastern country. Gone are the halcyon days of the 90’s when all we had to...
Sweet Clementines
This morning I was filled with a profound sense of personal amusement when I discovered that I can do a pretty decent Neil Diamond impression. Later, I was filled with a slightly less profound sense of personal disappointment when I discovered I can only do my Neil Diamond impression to the tune of Sweet Caroline. However, I persevered and spent the better part of the morning telling my wife,...
Hey McFly, make unlike a tree, and stop being such...
I love Back to the Future. It’s easily in my top ten. Depending on when I watched it last, it may even sneak into the top five. However, there is one scene that I’ve always had a problem with. George McFly has just knocked out Biff with one punch. Lorraine and he are sharing a dance. He’s shy and unsure, and she’s practically begging for a piece. Then, out of nowhere, some lanky...